Finding clarity in the chaos
Welcome back to Feeling Safe and Standing Strong, Blog Six of Ten: Finding Clarity in the Chaos. I love this topic. In moments of high stress, conversations can feel like trying to steer a boat in the storm. Our thinking gets clouded, emotions run high, and it's easy to say something we'll regret, or conversely, stay silent when we wish we'd spoken up.
Today, we're discussing how to find clarity in the chaos, so we can respond in ways that reflect our values, even when the pressure's on.
When tension spikes, our nervous system kicks into survival mode. The amygdala, that little part of the brain shaped like an almond that reacts quickly to threats, can take charge while the prefrontal cortex, the part that helps us think clearly and make decisions, takes a back seat. This is brilliant for physical danger, helping us move quickly without overthinking, but in conversations, it can seriously backfire.
We might speak too quickly, misinterpret what's being said, or freeze up entirely and remain silent.
Let's think about how we can recognise when we're in some of these storms. Signs we're in that heightened state include feeling our heart race fast or our breathing speed up, noticing tension in our shoulders, chest, jaw, or buttocks, or struggling to listen because our mind is racing. For some people, there's a strong urge to win the conversation or get away from it, which can detract from being present and focusing on what needs to be said next.
When we notice these cues, it's a sign we might need to slow things down a bit. Practicing the pause here is incredibly important.
We can't always change the intensity of the moment, but we can change how we meet it, how we show up in that moment.
Here are two practical strategies to help bring clarity back online.
The first one is the stoplight check-in. Picture a traffic light in your mind with red, amber, and green lights. When we notice this traffic light system, red means stop and take a full, slow breath. Amber means notice what's happening in our body, what thoughts are coming up, what emotion is leading us to feel this way. Green means go, speak, and act when we feel steady and deliberate.
But how do we know when the red light is flashing?Generally, this is the moment when we feel like we need to stop right here, right now. No one else can manage this traffic light system for you; it's your personal operating system. Practising the pause and being able to determine, discern, and decide which light is flashing takes practice.
Simply having an awareness of this traffic light system can be a protective interruption, enabling you to stop, pause, breathe, and ask yourself: Is this a red light, an amber light, or a green light? Then trust the language your body is giving you.
Imagine you're in a conversation where you're feeling confused, unsure, questioning. You have an opportunity to bring in this stoplight system and reference it through your own body signals to assess what you need to draw on in this moment. This is a highly personal matter; no one else can manage that system for you. For instance, when I experience the amber light flashing, it gives me a sense of what's happening right here, right now. It's almost like amber is my pause to decide: red stop or green go?The second strategy is a tone-matching practice. Research now tells us that 85 to 87% of our nonverbal body language informs us about the decisions our brain and body are making about how to proceed. What we want to do is match our tone to a calm, steady level. Even if the other person is speaking with intensity, we can choose a grounded voice. Subconsciously, by maintaining a calm, clear tone, we invite the other person to match us.
Tone often carries far more weight than words, and a calm tone can de-escalate a situation faster than words alone.
In fact, a calm tone de-escalates tension, making it easier for others to hear us truly. There's a lot in that one, and I'm keen to get your feedback on this. Tone matching through a calm, steady, levelled approach is a powerful strategy. I know a parent who would deliberately lower her voice when her child raised theirs, inviting the child to meet her calm demeanour. The child would often soften their voice, asking, 'What did you say?' Interesting strategy don't you think?
Clarity in the chaos isn't about having the perfect words. It's about creating enough space for us to choose our words with more care. When we practice the pause, we give ourselves a chance to stay connected to what matters, even when the waters feel rough, in the midst of a storm.
I'd love to hear your feedback on this episode. As always, if you find any of this helpful, please share with a friend.
Until next time, may we continue to give ourselves permission to practice the pause when we need to, and speak from a place that honours both ourselves and those we're in conversation with.
Summary: Finding clarity in the chaos
Episode 6 discusses finding clarity in chaos during high-stress conversations.
Stress affects our ability to think clearly, as the amygdala takes over and affects decision-making.
Recognizing physiological cues, like increased heart rate and tension, is crucial for managing stress.
Practicing the "pause" can help change our response to stress, even when we can't change the situation.
The "stoplight check-in" strategy encourages mindful response: red for stopping, amber for noticing, and green for acting.
Tone matching helps maintain calm in conversations, inviting others to meet a calm, clear tone to de-escalate tension.
Clarity isn't about perfect words but creating space to choose words carefully and stay connected to what matters.
The episode encourages sharing helpful practices and giving feedback, emphasizing speaking from a place that honors everyone involved.
